People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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