you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
