We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
