she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
