Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
