When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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