You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
