Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
