You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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