so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
