I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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