Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
