I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
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definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
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I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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