Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
