There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
