She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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