So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
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We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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