I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
