the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You can't special order awesome
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
