He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
