How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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