the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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