if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
