dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
