make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
