i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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