Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
