We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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