I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
