Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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