My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize