Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
