i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
A bitchslap is in order.
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