Don't make out with my wife yet
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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