3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
