just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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