mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
