omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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