remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
