So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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