I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
