I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
