dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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