last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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