last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
