I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
