this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
