Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
