I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
