i need an iv and a liver transplant
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
