dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
