I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
