I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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