I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
