He disabled his match.com account in front of me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
