Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
