I want to walk on stilts...naked
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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