I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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