i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
