On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
