I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
